Some women are gathered and the subject of conversation 
turns to sex and then birth control. The first woman says 
"We're Catholic so we can't use it."

The next woman says "I am too but we use the rhythm 
method."

The third woman says "We use the bucket and saucer 
method."

"What the heck is the bucket and saucer method?", the others 
ask.

"Well, I'm five foot eleven... and my husband is five foot two. We 
make love standing up with him standing on a bucket, and 
when his eyes get big as saucers I kick the bucket out from 
under him."

Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises
coming from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked
down the hall towards his parents room. Before he made it to
the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom
light had gone on. Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and
saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell
his son.
I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice."
replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said,
"Well, what are you doing? Fucking them?" 

History of the United States

                                      by David Hyatt



J. Walter Thompson, a huge ad agency, has a test for all wannabe
copywriters.  They print it every few years as a full page ad in many
major newspapers.  They call the campaign "Write if you want work."

My response to the question, "Write the history of the
United States in 100 words or less":

        Creation.  Evolution.  Civilization.  Exploration.
Colonization.  Taxation.  Representation?  Declaration.  Revolution.
Celebration. Constitutionalization.  Election.  Inauguration.
Succession.  Institutionalization.  Conflagration.  Migration.
Plantation.  Expansion.  Destination Manifestation.  Annexation.
Secession.  Rebellion.  Abolition.  Emancipation Proclamation.
Assassination.  Reconstruction.  Industrialization.  Assassination.
Invention.  Transportation.  Urbanization.  Exploitation.
Stratification.  Assassination.  Unionization.  Protection.
Regulation.  Suffrage Extension.  Balkanization.  Destruction.  League
of Nations.  Prohibition.  Immigration.  Depression.  Socialization.
Construction.  Isolation.  Deterioration.  Penetration.
Fission-n-Fusion.  Annihilation.  Radiation.  Polarization.
Militarization.  Partition.  Persecution.  Automation.  Failed
Invasion.  Assassination.  Investigation.  Division.  Demonstration.
Mind Alteration.  Space Exploration.  Bra Incineration.  Obfuscation.
Resignation.  Elation.  Stupification.  Abortion.  Stagflation.  Gas
Station.  Computerization.  Communication.  Deregulation.  Pollution.
Deforestation.  Kinder, Gentler Nation.  Reunification.
Reconciliation.  Verification.  Recession.  Demarcation.
Obliteration.  Glorification.  Education?

Copyright 1992 David Hyatt -- don't rip it off if you're taking the
same test!

A little old lady gets onto a crowded bus and stands in front of 
a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, she says to 
the girl, "If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat." 
The girl gets up and gives up her the seat to the old lady. It is 
hot. The girl then takes out a fan and starts fanning herself. 

The woman looks up and says, "If you knew what I have, you 
would give me that fan." The girl gives her the fan, too.

Fifteen minutes later the woman gets up and says to the bus 
driver, "Stop, I want to get off here." The bus driver tells her he 
has to drop her at the next corner, not in the middle of the 
block. With her hand across her chest, she tells the driver, "If 
you knew what I have, you would let me off the bus right here." 

The bus driver pulls over and opens the door to let her out. As 
she's walking out of the bus, he asks, "Madam, what is it you 
have?"

The old woman looks at him and nonchalantly replies, 
"Chutzpah."

What's long and hard and excites a girl when
she's finally lucky enough to get on it?

The road to success!