Little Johnny walks into his primary school classroom one morning to
   be confronted by his
   teacher.
   Teacher "Ahh, Good Morning Johnny, and where were you yesterday?"
   Johnny "I'm sorry Miss, but my Grandad got burnt yesterday."
   Teacher, "Was he burned very bad?"
   Johnny, "Yes Mam, they don't fuck around at these crematoriums you
   know.
   

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was 
greeted by a much younger salesman.  "Is there something in 
particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional schmectional." she bitterly retorted.  "All I want is 
an occasional piece in the living room!"

A man walks up to a woman in his office and tells her that her hair smells 
nice. The woman immediately goes into her supervisor's office and tells 
him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit and explains why. The 
supervisor is puzzled by this time and says, "What's wrong with the 
coworker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "He's a midget."

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old 
woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother 
Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."
They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old 
lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, 
striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the 
crowd, "now we'll never know."

Did you hear that Betty Crocker passed away.
The funeral is set at 4:50 for ten to fifteen minutes.