An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application. Too old to have 
a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough. He opens his shirt and shows them 
the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof. He goes home to his wife, show's her 
the check, and explains to her what has happened. She replies, "Well get back down there, pull
down your pants, and see if you can get disability!" 

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. 
A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 
4-Wheel drive vehicles." 
"She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find
a fake Jeep?"

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya 
going boy?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no 
dang lantern."

"Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"

Q: How do you get rid of a nun's hiccups?
A: Tell her she's pregnant!

John receives a phone call.
   
   "Hello," he answers.
   
   The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party
   about 3 months ago."
   
   John: "Hmm... Susan? About 3 months ago?"
   
   Susan: "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home.
   On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a
   good sport."
   
   John: "Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?"
   
   Susan: "I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself."
   
   John: "Say, you ARE a good sport."