Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to
   the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands
   in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the
   green.
   Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the
   fairway and lands in the water trap.
   Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The
   old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over
   the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls
   into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth.As the
   fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and
   grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a
   lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the
   eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out
   of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
   Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop
   fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

   On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped
   in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the
   parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!"
   
   The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and
   forgets the coffee. When this omission is pointed out to her the
   parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you
   bitch!"
   
   Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still
   no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's
   approach. "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now,bitch,
   or I'll give you a slap."
   
   Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown
   out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards
   the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a
   lippy bastard!"
   

The Makers of Viagra are announcing that they have
developed a pill to increase lubrication in females. 

The pill will be called Niagra. 

A husband said to his wife
"Get your coat on love, it's time to go to the pub."
She replied "But you NEVER take me out."
"I'm not," said the husband,
"but I'm turning the heating off before I go."

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of beer instead of one.