Certificate of Upgrade to
                                      
                              Complete Asshole
     
   





                    Certificate of Upgrade


                              to


                       Complete Asshole



                        is awarded to




-------------------------------------------------------------



In Recognition of Your Obnoxious Attitude, Ability to Piss

People Off, Complete Asinine Juvenile Behavior and Total

Dedication to Personal Gain Without Regard to the Many

Hardships You Have Forced Upon Friends, Family, and Others

During Your Lifetime, You Have Become a Legend In YOUR Own

Mind.


To Recognize Your Upgrade From Half-Assed to Complete Asshole

Gives All Concerned Great Satisfaction.  If Anyone, For Any

Reason, Doubts Your Status,



                      JUST BE YOURSELF!




Effective Date _________________  Signed _____________________
  

One day, when Billy came home from school, his mom 
asked him how his day went. He said, "We're learning 
about sexual education." She smiled, and said, "At 
least he's learning something usefull." Billy went up 
to his room. A little later, Billy's mom went up to his 
room to call him down to dinner. She opens his door and 
sees him jerking off. She says, "Billy, when you're 
done with your homework, supper's on the table."

   Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their
   work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate
   on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
   
   The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on.
   You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
   
   The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up
   and everything inside is color-coded."
   
   The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless
   spineless, gutless, and their heads and their ass are
   interchangeable."
   

Why does Bill Clinton wear underwear? 

    To keep his ankles warm. 

The new Vicar was up early one Sunday morning, walking
round his new parish, after leaving his wife in bed
with the Sunday papers, her cup of tea, and a pack of
cigarettes. 
One of the old villagers came up to him and said.
"Good morning Vicar, how be you and the wife?" 
The Vicar said, "Good morning my man, I am fine, the
wife is fine also as I left her in bed smoking." 
The villager said, "Arr, Vicar, that's the way to fuck 'em!"