"Doctor, I need your help," the woman says. 
"What seems to be the problem?" 
"My husband just doesn't satisfy me sexually. What can I do?" 
"Hmmm. That's a bit out of my league. Has HE seen a doctor?" 
"Yes, he has. He is perfectly OK. He just isn't enough for me. You've 
got to help me!" 
"Er ... Why don't you take a lover?" 
"I have! I still don't get enough." 
"Take another lover." 
"I did. In fact, I have eight lovers - and I still don't get enough sex!" 
"Gosh, that's an anomaly." 
"Oh, Doctor! Please tell them it's an anomaly! They all keep telling me 
I'm a whore!" 

Three men die in a plane crash and are waiting to enter heaven.
St. Peter asks the first man, "What did you do on Earth?" 
Man #1: I was a doctor. 
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #2: I was a school teacher.
St. P.: Go right through those pearly gates.

St. P.: And what did you do on Earth?
Man #3: I was a musician.
St. P.: Go around the side, up the freight elevator, through the 
kitchen...

The FBI finally came back with the DNA results.

Clinton was a perfect match.
So was all of Arkansas. 

Ralph and Charlie where playing the ninth hole at the local country club 
when Ralph hit his tee shot way to the right. Ralph walked over to the 
deep rough, found his ball, and proceeded to beat the hell out of wild 
buttercups with his pitching wedge. Mother Nature appeared and said, 
"Since you destroyed all of my favorite buttercups, if you ever taste 
butter, smell butter, or even think about butter you will become deathly 
ill and die."
Ralph walked out of the rough toward Charlie with a big smile on his face. 
Ralph then told him his story with a big grin on his face. Charlie says, 
"That's not a good thing! Why are you smiling?" Ralph replies, "I almost 
hit the pussy willows."

A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I
   would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the
   pheasant, "but I haven"t got the energy".
   Well, why don"t you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull.
   "They"re packed with nutrients".
   The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave
   him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next
   day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so
   on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the
   top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into
   the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out
   of the tree.
   Moral of the Story:
   Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won"t keep you there.