Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the
same time. The Italian boy's father presents him with a new pistol.
On the other side of town, at his bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy
receives a beautiful gold watch. The next day at school, the two boys
are showing each other what they got. They each liked what the
other one got, so, they traded.
That night, when the Italian boy is at home, his father sees him
looking at the watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" asks the
man. The boy explains that he and Sammy had traded. The father
blows his top. "Whatta you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!"
"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma
day you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and
say, `How longa you gonna be?'"

A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts 
giving him a blowjob.
He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to 
Cardozo High School in Detroit?"
"Yes. How'd you know?"
"I never forget a face." 

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream
on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mommy?"
"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing
the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?"

"Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'?" asked one drunk 
to his friend at the next barstool.

"Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk 
way too much," answered the equally wasted gent.

"Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for 
years and years now!"

Minutes before the cremation, the undertaker quietly sat down 
next to the grieving widow. "How old was your husband?" he 
asked.

"He was ninety-eight," she answered softly. "Two years oder 
than I am."

"Really?" the undertaker said. "Hardly worth going home, 
wouldn't you say?"