This little old lady calls 911. When the operator answers she yells,
"Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a damn Democrat
on my front porch and he's playing with himself."
"What?" the operator exclaimed. "I said there is a damn Democrat on my
front porch playing with himself and he's weird; I don't know him and
I'm afraid! Please send the police!" the little old lady repeated.
"Well, now, how do you know he's a Democrat?"
"Because, you damn fool, if it was a Republican, he'd be screwing
somebody!"

Mommy, mommy! What's a nymphomaniac?
Shut up and help me get grandma off the doorknob!

   I read last week how there are more than one million battered women in
   the United States
   each year. All these years I've been eating them raw.
   

Thirty minutes before a plane landed, its cabin lights came on,
indicating to the flight attendants that breakfast could be served.
One of the passengers, upset because he was awakened, growled, "Who
turned on the fucking lights!"
"Oh, no sir," the nearest flight attendant replied. "Those are the 
breakfast lights. You slept through the 'fucking lights.'"

"I'm finished with Judi!" Jon exclaimed to his friend.  "She broke
down and told me she was bisexual.  Who the hell wants to 
screw just twice a year???"