What's the object of a Jewish football game?

To get the quarter back!

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because 
he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and 
asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an 
exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is 
therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he 
goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and 
experienced in this matter. 

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is 
work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: 
a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other 
words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, 
then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so 
many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have 
the maid do it."

                                The Cop Quiz
     
   
                               By -=ShoEboX=-
    (This article originally appeared in Putsch Electronic Magazine.)

        Are you ready to be pulled over?  Are you prepared to hand over
your license and registration in the middle of the night to a prejudiced
pig who doesn't like you or your Dead Kennedys bumper sticker?  Take this
simple quiz and find out!

        Listed below are several questions asked by a cop who has just
pulled you over.  Below the questions are several possible responses.
Choose the best response to each.  Check your answers at the end.

1.  Do you know why I'm pulling you over, son/maam?
    a.  No, sir.
    b.  Because you're lonely?
    c.  To ask me if I have any Grey Poupon?
    d.  Because I ran down that old lady in the wheelchair?
    e.  Because you wanted a donation to your police station?  (Handing him
        a fifty or two)
    f.  Because of the Stealth Bomber I have in tow?
    g.  Because I'm pedaling too fast?
    h.  Because I'm Ice-T?

2.  Can I see your license and registration?
    a.  Yes sir. (handing them over)
    b.  Can I see your high school diploma?  Oh, I forgot...you're a cop.
    c.  Wanna see pictures too?  (pulling a string of family photos out of
        your wallet) Here's my mommy, my daddy, my sister, my friend, my
        dog, my toilet, your mom bent over with a light bulb in her...oh,
        how did THAT picture get in here?
    d.  I don't have a license, and this car is stolen.
    e.  (pull it out and read it to him veeeery slowly, not ever handing
        it to him)

3.  Would you mind stepping out of the car?
    a.  Of course, sir.  (getting out)
    b.  What?  In this weather?
    c.  Are you kidding?  I'm too drunk to stand up!
    d.  First, repeat after me:  "I realize that you are not Rodney King."
    e.  This is a motorcycle, dumbass.

4.  Walk along this line.
    a.  Yes sir.  (walking the line)
    b.  No thanks...I just snorted one.
    c.  Duuuude...which one?  The wavy one, the colorful one, or the one
        in the middle that's laughing at me?
    d.  Are you sure you wouldn't rather I skip merrily in a figure eight?

5.  You call that a straight line?
    a.  Yes, sir.
    b.  Well, officer Pythagoras, the only way YOU could see a straight
        line is by looking at your own brain wave pattern!  (NOTE:  This is
        stolen from Emo Phillips)

6.  Do you want to spend the night in jail?
    a.  No sir.
    b.  What are they serving for dinner?
    c.  That depends.  Are YOU gonna be there, big fella?  (smiling
        seductively)
    d.  Do the cells have ESPN?
    e.  Sure!  I haven't seen your mom in months!

7.  Hey, that's my car!  Don't pee on that!
    a.  Yes, sir (zipping up)
    b.  Yes, sir (turning around and peeing on him)

SCORING
-------
Give yourself 13 points for each time you answered "a".
Give yourself 83 points if you answered "e" for #1.
Give yourself 346 points if you ignored #7 because it isn't going to happen.
Give yourself 8,425 points if you RECOGNIZED answer "b" of #5 from an Emo
        Phillips routine.
Give yourself 24,983 points if you skipped right over this scoring section.

Subtract your score from your score to get the IQ of an average racist LAPD
cop.
  

Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered
around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.

Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife, "That's it, one last time
before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver."

Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said, "Sorry Sam, it's for after." 

If the bird of wisdom is an owl, and the bird of peace 
is the dove, what is the bird of TRUE love?

The Swallow. 


Sent by Denise