Computer Ease!

   The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
   for the planned Windows 2000:
   1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
   2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
   3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
   4. Press any key except ... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
   5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
   6. Close your eyes and press escape three times.
   7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
   8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
   game?
   9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
   10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log
   off."
   11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
   12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
   13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
   14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Reboot Washington D. C? (Y/N)
   15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
   16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
   17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
   18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
   19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
   20. User Error: Replace user.
   21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
   22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
   23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and
   all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security?
   24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
   have been deleted. The police are on the way.

The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's 
office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic 
cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis 
you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable 
positions," the medic said.

"Hell, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your 
Lamborghini."

The doctor said to the housewife,
"I've got good news and I've got bad news.
The good news is you don't have PMS.
The bad news is - you're a bitch!"

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree ? 
     - Because it was dead. 

Why did the baby fall out of the tree ? 
     - Because it was stapled to the monkey. 

Q: What's the definition of virginity?
A: A big issue over a little tissue.