A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a
   sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we
   saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was
   good, but I wanted the word "'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She
   said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I
   was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word
   'fascinate.'" Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated
   because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there
   was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
   Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs
   are so big she can only fasten 8."

    A man is walking along one day and he comes upon a ladder.
   Looking up, he sees that the ladder disappears into the clouds.
   Curious, he begins to climb. Before long, he is *in* the clouds. He
   looks around and sees the most horribly ugly woman he has ever seen in
   his life.
   Obese, snaggle-toothed, matted hair..... She looks at him, beckons,
   and says, "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to success."
   Well, having no intention of doing *anything* with this woman, the man
   climbs higher up the ladder. A bit further on, he comes upon a woman
   slightly less ugly than the woman before. Not attractive, by any
   means, but not repugnant. "Have sex with me, or climb the ladder to
   success, "she says.
   Again, the man elects to continue his climb.
   Before long, he comes upon another woman. This one is actually
   attractive. Not a knock-out, but very pleasing. "Have sex with me, or
   climb the ladder to success."
   Well, he figures the women keep getting better and better looking as
   he gets higher and higher. So he decides to continue climbing.
   A bit farther up is the most gorgeous woman he's ever seen in his
   life! Miss America beautiful. In a sultry voice she says, "Have sex
   with me, or climb the ladder to success." Well, needless to say he is
   *very* tempted.
   But he just can't imagine what could top this woman, so he decides to
   climb higher.
   On the next cloud up is a horrid 500 lb man. You can see the lice in
   his hair, he stinks, his clothes are ratty..... "Who are you?" our
   climber asks in horror. Grinning a toothless grin, the man looks at
   him and says, "Hi. I'm Cess.

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.

The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could
row the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.

The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly last
that long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that
one of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.

The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he
would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.

After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumped
overboard and sank without trace.

Need a change?  Here's the Spice Girls Application Form . . .

Name: 
Age:
Real Age:

1. How would you describe yourself?
a.  An energetic self starter
b.  A team player
c.  Pro-active
d.  A tasty bit of crumpet

2. Do you have any vestige of talent, besides your chest or butt?

3. Would it bother you if you were the target of unrelenting hatred? 

4. Are you willing to trade sexual favours for a career in the music
industry?
a.  Yes
b.  No

5.How many times have you been kicked out of karaoke bar?

6. Does nudity bother you?  If so give three excuses for your 
portfolio.

7. Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of individual
free will in light of the deterministic theories of neurochemical
medicine and modern behaviourist psychology. ...just kidding!!

6. Seriously, do you like wearing leather mini-skirts?
a. Yes
b. No

8. Are you deceptively attractive in coloured or stroboscopic light? 

9. Choose an appropriate SPICE nickname:
a. Sexy     
b. Nasty      
c. Sweetie    
d. Eezie     
e. Syphilis  
f. Olde

10. Choose an appropriate SPICE image: 
a. Cute, blonde, appeals to paedophiles
b. Tub of lard 
c. Bloke in a tracksuit
d. Vacant stare, no discernible brain activity
e. Terrifying to small children and old men 
f. All of the above

11. Do you promise to make two albums and then go away forever?
a. Yes
b. No

12. Elvis Costello is________________.

a. the king of rock and roll
b. former partner to Bud Abbott
c. Ollet Socsivle backwards
d. oh, you know, this guy 

13. If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometres and
75 kilometres an hour respectively, how would you look in a bikini?

14. If required as part of your contract, would you be willing to help
alleviate Prince Charles' loneliness?
a.  Yes      
b.  No 

15. List three body parts you'd be willing to pierce and expose
continuously. 

16. In the space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job.

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got 
home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting 
with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after 
which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang.  "Is this the 
vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of 
cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I 
can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?"  

There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then 
patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted 
on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "- IT STOPPED ME!"