The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," 
she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he 
lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then 
started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, 
removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," 
he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't 
any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my 
sister's!"

What does a camera and a condom have in common?

They both capture that magic moment.

A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some 
preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and 
generally got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl 
started laughing. The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your 
organ," she replied. "It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: 
"It's not used to playing in cathedrals." 

A guy is sitting in a bar next to a really ugly woman.  She has a parrot 
on her shoulder.  Woman says: If you can tell me what kind of animal I have
on my shoulder...I'll sleep with you."  Guy says:  "An alligator?"  Woman 
says: "Close enough"

A family was having dinner on Mother's Day. For some reason
the mother was unusually quiet. Finally the husband asked
what was wrong.
"Nothing," said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again. "Seriously, what's wrong?"
"Do you really want to know? Well, I'll tell you. I have cooked
and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother's
Day, you don't even tell me so much as "Thank you."
"Why should I?" he said. "Not once in 15 years have I gotten
a Father's Day gift."
"Yes," she said, "but I'm their real mother."