A cattleman from West Texas died & went on to the Great 
Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the 
terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate 
keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Texas."

"The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter and 
second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you ?"

   
   A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is
   having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The
   next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful
   redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband
   jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.
   Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're
   next!"

Boy: Will you punish me for something I didn't do?
Teacher: Of course not!
Boy: Good, cause I didn't do my homework!

A Guide to the Identification and Classification of North American Farts

Learning- or better still, thinking up- names for fart types is a
traditional early-adolescent ritual. Similarly, methods of identifying
the source of a fart are a subject of peer-group, or tribal,
speculation, the usual rule of thumb being "Who smelled it, dealt it,"
or "The smeller's the feller."

Occasionally, this oral tradition has acheived the level of Xerox
publication, but never before has a systematic analysis, along the lines
of Jane's Fighting ships or A Field Guide to the Birds, been attempted
in print. Tentatively, then, we present the following.



Blind Farts:  Traditional noiseless reekers. (Expression since circa
1880 - see also "SBD's").

Boomers:  Full-throated, rousing explosions; the parent orginism
frequently betrays his or her authorship with a smile of ill-conceled
pride.

Carpet Creepers:  Heavier- than- air creations, these linger and
permeate the atmosphere at or near ground level; source invariably
anonymous, having left the room.

Fizzles: Efforts at first promising, but eventually unsatisfactory, at
least to the donor; often effective upon bystanders. Often the last of a
series; originator betrays disappointment.

Fudgies: See Wet Ones.

One-Cheek Sneaks: Attempted surreptitous contributions, usually
signified BY the the artist's "tilting". Ricocheting off metal "bridge
chairs" or church pews, they posses satisfactory resonance, produce
blushes, giggles, glares.


Poohs:  Open-spincter donations, gusty and full-bodied, but lacking
sonority; popular on buses; customarily unaknowledged.

SBD's:  (Silent But Deadly  type).  Consistant with the Law of
Conservation of Energy, what SBD lacks in audible qualities is
compensated for in a semi-lethal olfactory intensity. The mechanism
responsible is usually the innocent-looking  person glancing about
suspiciously.

Screamers:  High-pitched, tight-spincter offerings, often of astonishing
duration and tonal variations; most pleasuribly exchanged among roomates
or frat brothers, or inspired by presence of officious bureaucrat.

Sliders:  See One-Cheek Sneaks.

Squeegies: Small, immature, and moist products. Humiliating for all
concerned.

Wet Ones: (aka Brewer's Farts, Fudgies, Playing Misty). Samples are
accompnied by gutteral, rasping, or lisping sound, indicating vaporous
content. Originator registers astonishment, dred, then departs, walking
funny.

Whiffers: see Poohs.

Good News, Bad News, Worse News II

Good: 
        Your son studies a lot in his room
   Bad: 
        You find several porn movies hidden there
 Worse: 
        You're in them