When we lived in Topanga we knew a family consisting of a single father 
and a houseful of young boys. One morning the youngest boy came into he 
kitchen in time to see their cat piddle in the toaster. (Why the cat did 
so, nobody could ever figure out. Never had any other similar problems 
with the beast.)
He went to tell his father and while he was out of the room one of his
brothers came in and tried to make some toast.
Now, at its best, cat piddle is not readily confused with Chanel No. 5, 
and when burned it is far, far worse. They had to leave the windows open 
for days, and the neighbors had comments.
Now, whenever I think I'm having a bad day, I remind myself that today, at
least, the cat didn't pee in the toaster.

Allen H.
Relieved Los Gatos Sciolist

A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and
   carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,
   "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A F _ _ _-UP!" For a moment,
   everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely
   lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because
   he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired
   before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In
   memory of the event, the bank later put a plaque on the wall engraved
   "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a fxxk-up!"


  

NOTE:   I don't know how anyone could write this with a straight face! 
This was an actual memo sent at an unnamed computer company to its 
employees.  It went to all the company's field engineers, and it was in 
regard to a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was
quite serious; the engineers rolled on the floor!  (Especially note the 
last sentence!) 

INSTRUCTIONS FOR REPLACING MOUSE BALLS 

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit). 
Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, 
it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by  
properly trained personnel. 

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the 
underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than 
foreign balls. 

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the 
mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method.  Domestic 
balls are replaced by using the twist-off method. 

Mouse balls are not usually static-sensitive.  However, excessive handling 
can result in sudden discharge. 

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. 
It is recommended each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining 
optimum customer satisfaction.  Any customer missing his balls should 
contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these 
necessary items.