Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation
for veracity.
        
                      --Robert Ingersoll

*   Son :How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
           Father:I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it.
          Son :Is it true, Dad, that I heard that in ancient China, a man
       doesn't know his wife until he marries?
          Father:That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE.

"My mother said to me, "If you are a soldier, you will become a general. 
If you are a monk, you will become the Pope." Instead, I was a painter, 
and became Picasso." 

Pablo Picasso.

"Jesus sucks knowledge of "bad stuff" out of your mind. Interesting, I'll
 have to remember that.:-)"
"Jesus is the Liposuction of the Soul.  He died to take away man's cellulite."
                        -- Lt. Wilkes, Tzimon Yliaster

For twenty-four years I've been in love with the same woman.
If my wife ever finds out she'll kill me. 

     -Henny Youngman