When is premature ejaculation a serious problem?

When it occurs between "hello" and "what's your sign?"

One day the different parts of the body were having an
argument to see which should be in charge.

The brain said "I do all the thinking so I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The eyes said "I see everything and let the rest of you
know where we are, so I'm the most important and I
should be in charge."

The hands said "Without me we wouldn't be able to pick
anything up or move anything. So I'm the most important
and I should be in charge."

The stomach said "I turn the food we eat into energy for
the rest of you. Without me, we'd starve. So I'm the most
important and I should be in charge."

The legs said "Without me we wouldn't be able to move
anywhere. So I'm the most important and I should be in
charge."

Then the rectum said "I think I should be in charge."

All the rest of the parts said "YOU?!? You don't do
anything!  You're not important! You can't be in charge."

So the rectum closed up.  After a few days, the legs were all
wobbly, the stomach was all queasy, the hands were all shaky,
the eyes were all watery, and the brain was all cloudy.

They all agreed that they couldn't take any more of this and
agreed to put the rectum in charge.

Today's lesson: You don't have to be the most important to be
in charge, just an a - - hole.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.
Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A. After five years your job will still suck.
Q. How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.
Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen 
   donuts.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
Q: What's the difference between a blimp and 365 blow jobs?
A: One is a Goodyear, and the other is a great year!
Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

TO MY DEAR WIFE,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The
followingis a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times
you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling, 4
times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you and
tell you I finished, and one time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you
move.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get
more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the
balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty
book
98 times you were too busy watching football,baseball, etc.
on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you missed
and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what
I said was ,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" The time you felt
me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.

Father Goose Story No. 2



        When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
day, he  ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force
him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
follows:

king:   Where is the throne?
count:  I cannot tell you.
king:   Then I will have you killed!  Executioner, cut off his
        head!
count:  (as the axe is swinging down...)
        Ok!  I will tell you!
                        THWACK!!!

Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.