Q: How is Christmas celebrated in a Jewish home?
A: They put parking meters on the roof!

A young soldier was making his first parachute jump.
The corporal explained the procedure "You count to
ten and pull the first ripcord. If the chute doesn't
open, pull the second. That should do it. Then, after
you land, there'll be a truck waiting to pick you up."
The soldier checked his gear, called out the customary
"Geronimo!" and jumped out of the plane. He counted to
ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute failed to open.
He pulled the second ripcord and the chute still didn't
open. As he plummeted downward, he said, "I'll bet that
goddamn truck won't be there either!"

Q: Did you hear about the Irishman who went to the toilet?
A: He wiped the chain and pulled himself.

The Company Commander and the 1st Sgt, were in the field. 
As they hit the sack for the night, the 1SG said: "Sir, look up 
into the sky and tell me what you see." 

The CO said "I see millions of stars." 

1st Sgt.: "And what does that tell you, sir?" 

CO: Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of 
galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Theologically, it tells 
me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant. 
Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day 
tomorrow. What does it tell you, Top?" 

1st Sgt.: "Well sir, it tells me that somebody stole our tent." 

What is the difference between a English actuary and a Sicilian actuary?

An English actuary can tell you how many people are going to die next 
year. A Sicilian actuary can give you their names...