To stop her 4-year old daughter from biting her nails, her mother tells 
her it'll make her fat. "I won't do it any more, Mom," says the daughter. 
Next day they are out walking when they meet a very fat man. "If I bite my 
fingernails, I'll be as fat as that, won't I Mom?" "You'll be fatter than 
that," says her mother. They get on a bus, and sitting opposite them is a 
very pregnant lady. The little girl can't take her eyes off the woman's 
belly. The pregnant lady feels increasingly uncomfortable under this 
stare, and finally leans forward and says to the little girl, "Excuse me, 
but do you know me?" And the little girl says, "No, but I know what you've 
been doing..."

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging
their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." 
     The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet
back." 

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty
girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress.
 How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,
the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then
held it out teasingly.
The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old
man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.

Why do gay men have moustaches? 

     To hide the stretchmarks. 

A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning
to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door. 
"Out drinking again!?" she says.
"How much money did you spend this time?" 
"$100," answers the man. 
"$100!" she shouts.
"That's ridiculous, spending that much in one night!" 
"Easy for you to say," he replies. "You don't smoke,
you don't drink, and you have your own pussy."