A woman strode angrily into the large drug-store-cum-general-store, 
slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her 
dissatisfaction.
The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"
The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered,
"Do you mean to tell me that Pussy Treats are meant for 'cats'?" 

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.
After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and
said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will
surely die". 

  1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send
    him off to work in a good mood.

  2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and
    put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back
    to work.

  3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't
    burden him with household chores.

  4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy
    his every whim. 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor
had told her.

"You're going to die," she replied. 

THIS IS SCARY BUT IT REALLY WORKS.
   DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!!!
   It only takes 30 seconds. Work this out as you read. Don't read the
   bottom until you have worked it out.!!!
   1. First of all, pick the number of days a week that you would like to
   go out to dinner.
   2. Multiply this number by 2.
   3. Add 5.
   4. Multiply it by 50.
   5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1748. If you
   haven't, add 1747.
   6. Last step: Subtract the four digit year that you were born.
   see below:
   RESULTS:
   You should now have a three digit number:
   The first digit of this was your original number (i.e. how many times
   you want to go out each week).
   The second two digits are your age!!!
   It really works. This is the only year it will ever work, so spread
   the
   joy around by mailing this to anyone you think might enjoy it.

   A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
   
   She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately.
   
   When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
   close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
   which is full and bushy.
   
   "Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
   hands.
   
   "Actually, no" he replies.
   
   "Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?" she asks, running
   her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
   
   "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the barman, clearly aroused.
   
   "Is there anything I can do?"
   
   "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
   huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
   to suck them gently.
   
   "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."
   

Why are there no Olympic Team Cuban swimmers?

Cause all the Cuban who can swim are here already!