Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town.
they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first
man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he
will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the
road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it
up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he
sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls
have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old
times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,
he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of
the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,
"Why are you doing that?"
The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"

An elephant was having a horrible time in the jungle because a horsefly
kept biting near her tail and there was nothing she could do about it.
It was far out of reach.

A sparrow saw this and killed the horsefly with its beak.
"Oh, thank you!" said the elephant.
"My, pleasure ma'am." said the sparrow.
"Listen, Mr. Sparrow, if there's anything I can ever do for you, don't
hesitate to ask."

The sparrow said, "Well, all my life I wondered how it would feel to fuck
an elephant."
"Be my guest!", said the elephant.

So the sparrow flew behind the elephant and started fucking. In the trees
above, a monkey in the tree saw this and became very excited. He started 
to masturbate, shaking a coconut loose and it fell from the tree, hitting 
the elephant on the head.
"OUCH!", said the elephant.

Then sparrow looked over from behind and said, "Am I hurting you, dear?"

MESSAGE FROM THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON TO THE BRITISH FOREIGN
   OFFICE IN LONDON--
   written from Central Spain, August 1812

   Gentlemen,
   Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the
   approach to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been
   diligently complying with your requests which have been sent by H.M.
   ship from London to Lisbon and thence by dispatch to our headquarters.
   We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all
   manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me
   accountable. I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and
   spleen of every officer. Each item and every farthing has been
   accounted for, with two regrettable exceptions for which I beg your
   indulgence.
   Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains
   unaccounted for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has
   been a hideous confusion as the number of jars of raspberry jam issued
   to one cavalry regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This
   reprehensible carelessness may be related to the pressure of
   circumstance, since we are war with France, a fact which may come as a
   bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall.
   This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation
   of my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better
   understand why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I
   construe that perforce it must be one of two alternative duties, as
   given below. I shall pursue either one with the best of my ability,
   but I cannot do both:
   1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the
   benefit of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance.
   2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain.
   Your most obedient servant,
   Wellington

   A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so
   they decided that the wife should try prostitution as an extra source
   of income.
   
   The husband drove her out to a popular corner and informed her he
   would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
   problems.
   
   A gentleman pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all
   the way. She told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to
   ask her husband. The husband told her to tell the client $100. She
   went back and informed the client at which he cried, "That was too
   much!"
   
   He then asked, "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a
   minute and ran to ask her husband how much.
   
   The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the
   client.
   
   He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants
   and underwear. Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that
   the man was really well hung.
   
   She asked him once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner
   again at which her husband asked, "Now what?"
   
   The wife replied, "Can I borrow $60?"