Eugene d'Albert (noted German composer) was married six
   times. At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife
   shortly after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who
   said politely, "Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely
   introduced me to so charming a wife."
   During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet
   luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a
   second helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?"
   "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for
   white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely.
   The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from her
   guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged
   if you would pin this on your white meat."
   Sentenced to two years hard labor (for Sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood
   handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this
   is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked," she
   doesn't deserve to have any."
   James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in
   his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in
   later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major
   general."
   German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained,
   "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then
   added, "And he didn't understand me."
   Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
   pointed out of the car window and said, " That is the most frightening
   sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
   more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his
   hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock,
   leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!"
   Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate,
   got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story
   circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by
   his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house."
   "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate maybe,
   but not in the House."
   Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in vain
   to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained
   unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In
   the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US
   Government -- $40,000."
   Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her
   what disguise she would recommend for him. She said, "Why don't you
   come sober, Mr. Prime Minister?"

Two girls are sitting in a movie-theater. "That man beside me is fumbling 
his crotch", one whispers to the other.
"Just ignore it", is the answer. "Easy for you to say. He's using my 
hand!". 

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the 
blonde said to her boyfriend,
"Is it true that if you pull you finger out, I'll sink?"

   A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG
   !
   He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he
   thinks. Then he hears the
   voice again: I SAID, DIG !
   So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some
   inches, he finds a small
   chest with a rusty lock.
   The deep voice says: OPEN !
   Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which
   to destroy the lock,
   and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.
   The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !
   Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest
   and walks to the
   casino.
   The deep voice says: ROULETTE !
   So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and
   goes to one of the tables,
   where the players gaze at him with disbelief.
   The deep voice says: 27 !
   He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly
   bursts. Everybody is quiet
   when the croupier throws the ball.
   The ball stops at the 26.
   The deep voice says: SHIT !
   

    A local United Way office realized that it had never
   received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person
   in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
   "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000,
   you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the
   community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and
   replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying
   after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her
   annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."
   "-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a
   wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an
   apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a
   traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving
   her penniless with three children?" The humiliated United Way rep,
   completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the
   lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them,
   why should I give any to you?"