Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for a
   divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her." The Judge,
   wanting every detail asked how often it was he beat the woman.
   
   "Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every damn time !"

New scientific theories

3rd RunnerUp-  Communist China is technologically underdeveloped
because they have no alphabet. The lack of an alphabet means
the Chinese cannot use "acronyms"; thus, they cannot communicate
their ideas at a faster rate.

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward, "What's wrong?
What's the emergency?"

"Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some
terrible news for you. It's disfigured."
"Well, how bad is it? Can I see?"
"Follow me, sir."

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first
door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.
Mister Smith is upset, "Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!"
The nurse interrupts, "No Mister Smith, that isn't your child.
Follow me, please."
They come to another room and there lies a newborn with no arms OR legs.
Mister Smith cries, "Oh dear God! What could be worse than this?"
"No mister Smith, that's not your child. Follow me."
Next room down, Smith looks in. This kid is only a head. No body at all.
"Oh my God! How awful! What could be worse than this?"
"Not your child, sir. Follow me."

One more room left in the hall. Mister Smith forces himself to
enter. There on a pillow is a single huge ear.
"This is your child, Mister Smith."

Smitty goes nuts, "Oh Lord! What could possibly be worse
than this!? But...It's still my son. I will talk to him, I will amuse him 
with bed-time stories. I will sing him lullabies..."

"Sir, it's deaf."

Why don't witches wear panties?

So they can get a better grip on the broom.

What is a macho man?

After getting a blow job, he asks the woman,
'Was it as good for you, as it was for me?'