On a cross-country bus trip, Mrs. Davis became extremely queasy due
to motion sickness.She make her way to the restroom,only to find it
locked.She went back to her seat, laid her head back and tried to
fight off the nausea.  Unsuccessfully, she rolled her head to the right
and threw up on the lap of a man who was dozing and who was therefore
unaware of what had happened.
When the fellow awoke, he was shocked to find himself covered in vomit.
Turning to him, Mrs.Davis said, "There now, are you feeling better?"!

   This man was having problems getting it up to have sex with his wife,
   so he went to the
   doctor for advice. The doctor told him the next time he wanted to have
   sex, to stick his
   finger in his wife's pussy, and then rub it under his nose, and the
   smell would cause his
   hormones to kick in, and he would obtain an erection. That night, he
   decided to make his
   move. He turned out all the lights and got into bed. He put his finger
   in her pussy, and then
   rubbed it under his nose. He felt a tingling in his cock, and it began
   to stiffen. Amazed, he
   decided to see what would happen if he used two fingers. He stuck them
   in her pussy, then
   rubbed them both under his nose, and his cock quickly jumped to 3/4
   erect. He decided to
   try 3 fingers, so he put them in her pussy, then rubbed them all
   around under his nose.
   Soon he was sporting the biggest hard on he could remember. He said,
   "Honey, quick
   turn on the lights, and check this out!" She turned on the lights, and
   with his dick standing
   tall, he proudly asked, "What do you think?" She looked at him and
   said, "Looks like the
   worst nose bleed I've ever seen!"
   

                             Iraqi vs. American
     
   
  Average Iraqi

    Has visited the convergence of the Tigris and Euphrates, cradle of
    the ancient civilization founded by his ancestors

  Average American

    Once got really sick on the Wild Mouse ride at Six Flags theme
    park

  Average Iraqi

    Willing to participate in Holy War for his nation

  Average American

    Willing to participate in People's Choice Awards

  Average Iraqi

    Lines up by the thousands to die for country

  Average American

    Will go to any extreme to avoid jury duty

  Average Iraqi

    Has endured many food shortages during wars with Iran and embargo
    by West

  Average American

    Shoves McDonalds cashier if their Happy Meal doesn't include
    McCookies

  Average Iraqi

    Believes if he dies in battle, he will go straight to Paradise

  Average American

    Believes if, in a dream, you don't wake up before hitting the
    ground, you die

  Average Iraqi

    Has friend or relative wounded in ruthless wars of conquest

  Average American

    Has beer guzzling uncle who shot self in foot on hunting trip

  Average Iraqi

    Thinks Saddam Hussein is a political genius

  Average American

    Thinks Saddam Hussein makes Dan Quayle seem like Einstein
  

These two women went out for a night on the town and got just totally 
sloshed. At the end of the evening they decided to take a short cut 
through a cow pasture after being unable to find a ride home. They became 
lost so split up to try and find the road home. One of the lushes doubled 
back only to stumble on the other flat on her back sucking on, and playing 
with a cow's udders. Her friend screamed "what are you doing"? the other 
lush says "shut up, with all these guys here someone'll drive us home". 

The Perfect Day - Her

    8:45 Wake up to hugs and kisses
    9:00 5 lbs lighter on the scale
    9:30 Light Breakfast
    11:00 Sunbathe
    12:30 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
    1:45 Shopping
    2:30 Run into boyfriend's/husband's ex and notice she's gained 30 lbs
    3:00 Facial, massage, nap
    7:30 Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
    10:00 Make love
    11:30 Pillow talk in his big strong arms 

The Perfect Day - Him

    6:45 Alarm.
    7:00 Shower and massage.
    7:30 Blowjob.
    7:45 Massive dump while reading USA Today sports section.
    8:15 Limo arrives, Stoli Bloody Marys.
    8:30 Butler Aviation, O'Hare Field, Lear Jet to Augusta, Georgia.
    9:30 Front nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    11:30 Lunch - 2 dozen oysters, 3 Heinekens.
    12:30 Blowjob.
    12:45 Back nine holes, Augusta National Golf Club.
    2:30 Limo to Augusta Airport, Bombay Sapphire Martini.
    3:30 Nassau, Bahamas, Afternoon fishing with all female crew
         (topless). Sex for each fish caught. Catch 1249 lb. Blue
         Marlin. Grilled tuna and steamed lobster appetizers, six
         Heinekens, nap.
    6:15 Blowjob.
    6:30 Lear Jet return flight, total body massage in transit.
    7:30 Shit, shower, shave.
    8:00 Watch CNN Live coverage of Bill Clinton's resignation. Hillary
         and Al Gore are indicted in the same scandal (which involves
         graphic pictures and large farm animals).
    9:00 Dinner at Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz. Filet mignons (rare),
         Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963
         (magnum) creme brute, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
    10:30 Sex with 3 women, all from different countries
    11:30 Whirlpool, steam and massage. Women quietly get dressed, hail cab
          and leave.
    Midnight Blowjob
    Sleep