A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,
finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem.
Can you help me?"
"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud
physician, "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that
does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history."
So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry
way.
A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the
street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I've got to
thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex
fourteen times in eight days!"
"Well, I'm glad to hear that" says the pleased physician, "What does
your wife think about it?"
"Wife?" asks the man, "I haven't even been home yet!"

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today.
It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch."
The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

What women want in a relationship:  A handsome, loving professional
man who will just love them for who they are.
What women get:  A fat, balding fart machine who stays with them only
because no other woman wants him.

What men want in a woman:  A combination of Carol Brady and Pamela Lee
Anderson;  Wonderful Mom with big hooters and can suck the chrome off
a flag pole.

What men get:  Someone who immediately begins to gain those 80 extra
lbs the moment after she says "I Do", beginning with the wedding cake!

What women want in bed:  A passionate lover who takes the time to kiss
and gently caress, slowly building up to a wonderful joyous experience
together.

What they get: "Wham-Bam-Thank-You Ma'am!", Belch, Fart, Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

What men expect out of a marriage:  3 loving children who honor their
parents.
What they get:  3 helions who are a combination of their parents every
fault and make their life a living hell.

1st anniversary card from husband to wife:  "My sweet loving wife....I
hope this first year is a reflection of the next 60 years, you are my heart
and soul, I am forever yours."

5th anniversary card:  "I love you so much honey...words cannot describe."

10th anniversary card:  "Hey, how's it hangin'?  Love Ya'!!"

15th anniversary card:  "Ummmmmmmmm......'sup?"

16th anniversary card from wife to husband:  "You are hereby summoned
to divorce proceedings..."

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of heaven.
"Sorry, old man," Peter said, "But I can't let you in. You see
the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin back
in 1978 -- You took the Lord's name in vain during a golf game." 

"Oh, yes. I'll never forget that one, and I'm terribly sorry
Peter, but I can explain...", the old golfer blithered. 

"Well," said Peter, "You'll have to take it up with The Big Guy." 

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God's
office. "We've got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain..." 

"So," booms God, "You've been taking my name in vain." 

"Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!" 

"OK. Try me, " replied the Lord. 

"Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and
I made it to the 18th hole, and I'd win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the tee, and it
was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind shifted, and took
my ball off into the woods, and right behind this enormous oak tree..." 

"And that's when you took my name in vain?" 

"Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole..." 

"So, that is when you took my name in vain?" 

"No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches
of the hole..." 

"Don't tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!" 

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, 
pointing out some of the rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male 
students, and the male dormitory to the female students. 
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second 
time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost 
you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
                                                    
At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"