A married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says,
"what do you mean almost?" 
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped." 
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five
Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." 
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and
then starts to leave. 
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and
says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!" 
The man replied, "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you
said it was the same as putting it in!"

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter.
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moooo!"
Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" And this wide-eyed 
little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, "Bud."

How to Hunt Elephants -- Senior Manager Style

Senior managers set broad elephant hunting policy based on
the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but
with deeper voices.
 
Sent by Alex

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time
achieving an orgasm.
The Dr said "which position do you use?"
"Doggy style," said dumb shit.
"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if
that works any better." said the Dr.
"We've tryed that" he said,  "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential
employee's application and notices that the man has never
worked in retail before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, you are
certainly asking for a high wage."
"Well Sir," the applicant replies, "the work is so much harder
when you don't know what you'redoing!"