A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn
out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his
apartment. 
He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the
other. He realizes that the first one might get bored
watching, so he her asks what she'd like to do. 
She says, "Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love
to play your trombone." 
So she plays it while he screws her sister. 
A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's
apartment building. One of the girls says, "Let's stop
up and see that guy." 
The other girl says, "Gee...do you think he'd remember us?" 

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his
birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude
due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a
deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down
at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a
gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the
parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She
takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the
door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.
The parrot opens up with,"I'll suck that crusty coin-slot
crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose
that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those
droopy dum dums for me. Our friend recieves a smack that
leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat
from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no
more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into
the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking
from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence
passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.
The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned
your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is
"I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck
happened to the chicken?

Sent by Rob

    A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet
   rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over
   immediately.
   When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
   close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard
   which is full and bushy.
   Are you the landlord?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both
   hands.
   "Actually, no" he replies. "Can you get him for me - I need to speak
   to him?" she asks, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his
   hair.
   "I'm afraid I can't" breathes the barman - clearly aroused. "Is there
   anything I can do?"
   "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues
   huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him
   to suck them gently.
   "Tell him that there is no toilet paper in the ladies room."

When this guy heard that the Pope was coming to town, he went
out and bought a tuxedo in the hope that the Pope might notice
him on the parade route. When he went to the parade, there was
this bum standing next to him, with old, dirty clothes on. The
the guy's amazement, when the Pope came, he went over to the
bum, and whispered something in his ear. Enraged, the guy went
over to the bum and offered him $100 for the clothes off his
back. Next day, he went back to the parade dressed like a bum.
Sure enough, when the Pope came, he stopped in front of this
guy, and whispered in his ear, "I thought I told you to get
the hell out of here!"

    A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are
   charged with murdering a school teacher with a chain saw." From out in
   the audience a man shouted, "Lying bastard!" "Silence in the court!",
   the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and
   said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."
   "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who
   continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an
   electric drill." "Son of a..." the man started to shout when the judge
   thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right
   now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next
   to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool
   when I needed to borrow one!"