Three college roommates -- two females and a male -- began
to argue after dinner about whose turn it was to do the dishes.
"All right," one of the girls said, "the first one to speak has to
do them."
The trio retired to the living room to watch TV. When their
neighbor, a school football star, came by, the three remained
silent. The visitor shrugged and led one of the girls into her
bedroom.
Forty-five minutes later, the young man emerged and
approached the second girl. Through sign language, they
agreed to adjourn to her bedroom.
When he came out, he began to fix himself a cup of tea but
burned his fingers on the stove.
"Hey, where's some petroleum jelly?" he hollered from the
kitchen.
"Oh, hell!" the male roommate said, jumping up. "I'll do the
dishes."

"Would you sleep with me for ten thousand dollars?" asked John
"Yes, I will." Paula replied.
"Would you do it for one thousand?" he asked.
"Well maybe, or maybe I'd do something else for you."
she answered with a wink.
"How about a blowjob for $20?" responded John.
"Hey! What kind of women do you think I am?" Paula snapped, indignantly. 
"That's already been established, Paula. Now we're just haggling over the 
price!"

"Information.  Can I help you?"

"I'd like the number of the Theater Guild, please."

"One moment, please."  Pause.  "I'm sorry sir, I have no listing 
for a Theodore Guild."

"No, no.  It isn't a person.  It's an organization.  It's Theater
Guild."

"I told you, sir.  I have no listing for a Theodore Guild."

"Not *Theodore*!  *Theater*!  The word is *theater*.  
T-H-E-A-T-E-R!"

"That, *sir*, is NOT the way you spell Theodore."

What's the object of a Jewish football game?

To get the quarter back!

Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana???
A: Two more bullets...