Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and 
said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step.  Are you prepared for it?"
"I think so," the man replied.  "My wife has made appetizers and we have a 
caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our 
guests."
"I don't mean that," the priest responded.  "I mean, are you prepared
spiritually?"
"Oh, sure," came the reply.  "I've got a keg of beer and a case of 
whiskey."

For more ahem...adventerous types....

What is "71"?

"69" with two fingers up your ass.

   On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked
   his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice her body.
   
   She said, "I can't wear your pants."
   
   "That's right," intoned the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'm the
   one who wears the pants in the family."
   
   The bride took off her panties and asked her husband to try it on.
   
   "No way. I can't get into your panties." he said.
   
   "That's right. And that's the way it'll be until you change your
   attitude." she said and smiled.

Whats the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?

A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-it
Rub-it"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. 
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. When he arrives home, he tells
his wife about the purchase he's just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts, "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors," he explains, "gold, silver and bronze."
"So what color are you gonna wear tonight?" she asks with a grin.
"Gold of course," says the proud man.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver -- it would be nice
if you came second for a change!"