One day in school, the teacher wanted her kids to go through the
   alphabet and give a word that started with each letter. She started
   with 'A'.
   
   Dirty Ernie was waving his arm higher than all the other kids. She
   didn't want to call on him, because he was a pervert and always said
   bad things.
   
   She called on Betty instead. Betty stood up and said "Apple".
   
   "Very good, Betty! Next is the letter 'B' ." Again, Ernie was waving
   his arm as high as he could, but she picked Andy instead.
   
   "Butterfly."
   
   "Excellent, Andy! How about 'C' ." Ernie was almost having a seizure
   he was waving so hard. The teacher picked Billy, still afraid of what
   Ernie would say.
   
   "Caterpillar."
   
   "Great job, Billy!"
   
   She continued going through the alphabet, never calling on Ernie. When
   she got to 'R', Ernie was the only child waving his arm. She thought
   to herself and couldn't think of anything too bad that started with
   'R' so she said, "OK Ernie, give me a word that starts with 'R' ."
   
   Ernie stood up straight, smiled and yelled, "RATS!!!! BIG FUCKING RATS
   WITH COCKS THIS FUCKING LONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
   

A man took his wife to the doctors.
After a short examination the doctor said
"Your wife's mind has completely gone!"
To which the man replied "I'm not surprised.
She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!"

Paul says to Jesus, "Hey man, whatcha doing for Passover?"

Jesus says, "Just hanging around."

I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if,
after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. 
He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy." 

   A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she
   sufferred from excessive
   flatulance, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done
   nothing about it until
   now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history,a process that
   took quite a while. At
   the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting
   here talking to you
   I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At
   this point, the Dr.
   scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the
   woman. "What's
   this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a
   prescription for a
   hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."