Dec. 8   5:00 p.m. - It's starting to snow, the first of
     the season, and the wife and I took our buttered rum and sat
     by the window watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging
     to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

 Dec. 9 - We awoke to a big beautiful blanket of crystal
     white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight.
     Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantel.
     I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and I loved it.
     I did both our driveway and our sidewalks. Later the
     snowplow came along and covered up our driveway with
     compacted snow from the street. He smiled and I waved back.
     I shoveled it again.

 Dec. 12 - The sun has melted most of our lovely snow. Oh
     well, I'm sure we'll get a little more before this lovely
     winter is over.

 Dec. 14 - It snowed 8 inches last night and the temperature
     dropped to about 0 degrees. Shoveled the sidewalk and
     driveway again. Shortly the snowplow came by and did his
     trick again.

 Dec. 15 - Sold our car and bought a 4x4 Blazer so we could
     get through the snow. Bought snow tires for the truck.

 Dec. 18 - Fell on my Ass on the ice in the driveway. $23.00
     to the chiropractor, but nothing was broken, thank God! The
     damn sky is getting dark again.

 Dec. 19 - Still cold (-10 this a.m.) Icy roads making for
     very tough driving. Slid into a guard rail with my wife's
     car. Probably a $100.00 damage or so. She's pissed-off.

 Dec. 20 - Had another 14 inches of the white shit last
     night. More shoveling in store for me today. That damned
     snowplow came by twice.

 Dec. 22 - We are assured of a white Christmas because
     another 7 inches of that white shit fell today and with this
     freezing weather it won't melt till August! Got all dressed
     up to go out and shovel that shit again. (Boots, snowsuit,
     jacket, scarf, earmuffs, gloves, etc...) then got the urge to
     pee.

 Dec 24 - If I ever catch the son-of-a-bitch that drives
     that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls.
     I think he hides around the corner and waits for me to
     finish shovelling and then comes down the street 100 miles
     an hour and throws that white shit everywhere.

 Dec. 25 - MERRY CHRISTMAS... they predict 12 more inches of
     the fucking white stuff tonight. Does anyone know how many
     damned shovels full of snow 12 inches is? To hell with
     Santa, he doesn't have to shovel that white shit. The
     snowplow driver came by asking for a donation. I hit him
     with my ice axe.

 Dec. 28 - We got 11 more inches. I must be going snowblind
     or have a severe case of depression.

 Dec. 29 - The toilet froze and the roof is starting to
     cave-in. If you go outside, don't eat the brown snow.

 Dec. 30 - I torched the damned house ... moving back to
     Florida!

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multicoloured
hair that's green, purple and orange.  His clothes are a tattered mix of
leather rags.  His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes.
 His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewellery and his earring
are big, bright feathers. He sits down in the only vacant seat, directly
across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.
 Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man: "What are
you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever do anything wild when you were
young?"
 Without missing a beat, the old man replies: "Yeah, back when I was young
and in the Navy I got really drunk one night in Singapore and had sex with
a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son."

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90 year old man (he got his 
hand caught in a gate while working his cattle)a doctor and the old man 
were discussing Bush's health care reform ideas. The old man said "Well, 
ya know, old Bush is a post turtle".

So, not knowing what he meant the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" 
was. And he said "When your driving down a country road, and you come 
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle. 
You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't 
get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor 
thing down."

What is the difference between a toilet and Convienience Store Clerk?

A toilet only has to deal with one asshole at a time.

What's the definition of AIDS?

Anally Injected Death Sentence.