I used to not get on with my mother-in-law, but over the last few months 
I've developed quite an attachment for her.
It goes over her head and a strap comes down under her chin to keep her 
mouth shut! 

Q: Why couldn't the blond pass her drivers test?

A: Every time the car stopped she jumped in the backseat.

   1200 people attended the recent International Psychic Society
   conference.
   
   Moderator: "How many attendees believe in ghosts?"
   (Over 80% of the hands were raised)
   
   Moderator: "How many have actually seen a ghost?"
   (58% of the hands were raised)
   
   Moderator: "How many believe that a ghost can be solid?"
   (23% of the hands were raised)
   
   Moderator: "How many have ever physically touched a ghost?"
   (3% of the hands were raised)
   
   Moderator: "How many have ever had sex with a ghost?"
   (After some pause one lonely hand at the back of the hall went up)
   
   Moderator: "May I ask where you are from, sir?"
   Attendee: "I am from Australia."
   
   Moderator: "And you say you've had sex with a ghost?"
   
   Attendee: "Oh sorry! I thought you said "goat."
   

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The 
second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the 
first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and 
trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding 
her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy 
laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I 
was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It 
blew my neighbor's house apart!"

A lady was in a hardware store looking at a 
fishing poles. She asked the store manager how 
much it was he said 'I am blind drop it on the 
ground and i'll tell ya. She dropped it on the 
ground.'Aahh that's 10.00.' 
She bent down and let a big fart that everyone 
heard. But, she really wanted the pole so she 
picked it up. And went to pay for it. 'That 
will be 20.00' 
'But you said 10.00' 
'10.00 extra for the stink bait and duck call.