WASHINGTON, DC (DPI)  -- Earlier this week, the National Institute of 
Mental Health released the results of their research into the sudden 
increase of primary-school shootings.  NIMH researcher Eli Zleicherugg 
blames it all on a set of common childhood songs.  "The worst is 'Hi ho, 
hi ho, it's off to school we go, with razor blades and hand grenades,'"
Zleicherugg said at a press conference Wednesday.  "Not only does it lend 
an almost picnic tone to the concept of school violence, but at a deeper
psychological level, it bonds the idea of mass destruction to Walt 
Disney's 'Snow White.'"  Zleicherugg claims the problem is nationwide.  
"You can go into any sixth grade in the country, start singing 'Mine eyes 
have seen the glory of the burning of the school,' and watch the little 
yardapes twitch. I'm not saying that these kids are primed to explode,"  
he added.  "But if I were a teacher, I wouldn't delay in getting that 
concealed-carry permit."

In a related story, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is
investigating allegations that a rise in animal abuse is directly related 
to the "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts"  song.

I work for an internet provider, as tech support.
So I get all the goofy calls... One day, an older
lady called the service obviously knowing nothing
about computers. 
She said that we (the Internet company) had given
her a virus. I asked her how that was possible. 
She told me that her computer wouldn't go on. I
asked her if she had pushed the power button.... 
She said yes that she had pushed the button twice
and it still didn't go on. 

(I had to call everyone and tell them)

[AP, Arkansas] A woman named Linda went to
   Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while
   there, went to a store. She parked next to a car
   with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and
   hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When
   Linda came out a while later, she again saw the
   woman, her hands still behind her head but with
   her eyes open. The woman looked very strange, so
   Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you
   okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the
   head, and I am holding my brains in." Linda didn't
   know what to do; so she ran into the store where
   store officials called the paramedics. They had to
   break into the car because the door was locked.
   When they got in, they found that the woman had
   bread dough on the back of her head and in her
   hands. A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded,
   apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud
   explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in
   the head. When she reached back to find what it
   was, she felt the dough and thought it was her
   brains. She passed out from fright at first, then
   attempted to hold her brains in!