Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.

There once was a man from New Boston, 
            Who bought a new sportscar--an Austin; 
                There was room for his ass, 
                And a gallon of gas, 
            And his balls hung out till he lost 'em. 

A Redneck's Ode to Valentines Day!

Kudzu is green,
my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
A-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
And without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
Which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
But I luv you anyway.

You're as graceful as okry
Jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop
Right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth,
For which I am proud;
I hold my head high
When we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven,
I'm plumb outta wits.

And speakin' of wits,
You've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me
Back in '74.

Still them fellers at work
They all want to know,
What I did to deserve
Such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
Yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles
And stick 'em in the can.

Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler
Racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger
Named Naomi Judd.

When you hold me real tight
Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
Like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years,
Yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old
Like a '67 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks
And let grass grow up heavy.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
With a RC cold drank,
We go together
Like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
For Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
It's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds
From a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever,"
They explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey,
These will not do.
For you are too special,
You sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds
it's a new trollin' motor.

               There once was a man named MacBride 
               Who fell in a privy and died. 
                    He had a young brother, 
                    Who fell in another, 
               And now they're interred (in turd) side by side. 

There was a young fellow of Mayence,
Who fucked his own ass - in defiance
Not only of custom
And morals, dad bust him,
But most of the known laws of science.