A middle-aged Jewish guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. 
He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Age        HOUSE PET

        17         Muffy the cat
        25         Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
        35         Irish setter and Muffy the Cat
        48         Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
        66         Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs
                    Muffy the Cat

How do I know anything really exists?

Kick it *really* hard.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
            A: Who cares?

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl 
approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play 
house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your thoughts."
"Communicate my thoughts?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I 
have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the 
husband."