What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother?

An Italian mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill you."
A Jewish mother says, "If you don't eat it, I'll kill myself."

Q: Why do women wear tampoons when they skydive?
A: So they don't whistle on the way down.

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned
to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those
hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at 
the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a 
replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to 
be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced 
his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the 
best they could do at such short notice.

Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking 
his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to 
the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man 
was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but 
the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by 
the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach 
cramps and nausea.

It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse 
himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing 
through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, 
scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By 
now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so 
disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the 
bathroom. 

He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he 
finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers 
and ran in, he realised to his horror that he had stumbled into 
Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees.

As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard 
her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my 
cook".

And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.

Bob, who's gay, decides to go out for a good time
and ends up at a gay bar. There he meets an attractive
young man named Johnny who he talks to all evening.
When the night comes to an end Johnny invites him over
to his place.

They get in Johnny's car, a pink stretch Cadillac, and
proceed to leave the parking lot. Yet Bob is quite
concerned when Johnny repeatedly smashes into parked
cars as they are leaving the lot. Once they reach
Johnny's place, again Johnny looks around and proceeds
to smash into parked cars as he's parking his.

As they got out of the car Johnny asked, "So Bob, do you
like my feminine side?"