A man goes into a bar with his pet octopus and says
   "I'll bet $50 that no one here has a musical instrument
   that this octopus CAN'T play' The people in the bar
   look around, and someone fetches out an old guitar.
   The octopus has a look,picks it up, tunes the string,
   and starts playing the guitar.The octopus' owner
   pockets the $50 Next, a guy comes up with a trumpet.
   The octopus takes the horn, loosens up the keys, licks
   it's lips and starts playing a jazz solo. The guy
   pockets yet another $50. The bar owner has been watching
   all of this and disappears to the back. He comes back
   a few moments later with a set of bagpipes under his arm.
   He puts them on the bar and says to the guy and his
   octopus, ' Now, if your octopus can play THAT, I'll give
   you $100. The octopus takes a long hard look at the
   bagpipes, lifts it up, turns it over, has yet another
   look from a different angle. Puzzled, the octopus' owner
   comes over and says 'What are you waitin for? Hurry up
   and play that damn thing!
   The octopus says, 'Play it? Hell if I can work out how
   to get it's pajamas off, I'm gonna screw it!!
   

An explorer goes into an undiscovered tomb for the first time, and in
the center of the tomb there is a lamp. So he picked it up and started
to rub the dirt off of it, and out came a genie out of the lamp and he
said "I want to know the person you hate the most"
The explorer said "That's gotta be my ex-wife. Why?"
"I am a cursed genie, I will grant you three wishes but whatever you
wish for your ex-wife will get double the amount."
"OK, I wish for a billion dollars"
"Granted, but your ex-wife gets two billion"
"I wish for a mansion in California with a swimming pool, and tennis
courts, everything"
"Granted your ex-wife gets two. This is your final wish"
The explorer walked around the room and came back to the genie with a
stick and said "Ya see this stick, I'd like you to beat me half to death." 

   A girl was intrigued at the kilt that a Scottsman was wearing,
   wondering what he would be
   wearing underneath. "What's underneath your kilt?", she asked him.
   "Why don't you
   take a look", he replied. Curiosity overcomming her, she lifted the
   kilt.then let it go,"Oh,
   it's gruesome!" "Well, why don't you take another look, it just
   grew-some more."
   

What did Bob Dole reply when asked if he preferred boxers or briefs? 

"Depends."

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately 
to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming 
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and 
got into the water. 

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old 
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got 
out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. 
He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with 
relief. 

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and 
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have 
a special gift, I can read minds.' 

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what 
I think?' 

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the 
bucket you're holding has a bottom.'