A man called the undertaker one afternoon and sobbed: "Come and bury my wife."
"But I buried your wife ten years ago," replied the undertaker.
"I got married again," the man sobbed.
"Oh," said the undertaker. "Congratulations." 

   A man driving outside of Baltimore, Maryland was southbound on
   Interstate 95 in the far right hand lane traveling at 55 mph, minding
   his own business. He noticed in his rear view mirror that a Maryland
   State Trooper was right behind him. A mile later nothing changed,
   except now he's driving at 65 mph, the maximum limit. Several miles
   further along, the Trooper's right on his bumper and the man increases
   his speed to 75 mph. The Trooper activates his lights and siren and
   the man reluctantly pulls onto the shoulder.
   
   After the Trooper demands the man's driver's license and registration,
   he sez, "Mr. {Smith}, I cannot for the life of me figure out why, when
   you knew I was behind you for quite some time, you sped up knowing
   that you could be cited for speeding. What in the world caused you to
   do that ?
   
   The man looked relieved, stared the Trooper directly in the eye and
   softly spoke, "Trooper, three months ago, my wife ran off with a
   Maryland State Trooper. I thought you were him, bringing her back."

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I 
know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was 
disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the 
poultry, so she complained to the butcher. "don't worry, ya ," he 
said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the 
time you finish shopping." 

Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over 
the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts 
please meet me at the back of the store."

If god had wanted us to run around naked,
we would have been born that way. 

In a Texas bar,The bartender Fred was fed up with penis boasting from the
regulars.So to put an end to all the boasting Fred says to them "whip 'em
out".Fred pulls a yard stick from under the bar,at the same time a gay guy
walks into the bar.Fred ask the man if there is something that he can get for
him.The gay  guy replies "i was going to get a beer,but i'll check your buffett
first"