WASHINGTON, DC (DPI)  -- Earlier this week, the National Institute of 
Mental Health released the results of their research into the sudden 
increase of primary-school shootings.  NIMH researcher Eli Zleicherugg 
blames it all on a set of common childhood songs.  "The worst is 'Hi ho, 
hi ho, it's off to school we go, with razor blades and hand grenades,'"
Zleicherugg said at a press conference Wednesday.  "Not only does it lend 
an almost picnic tone to the concept of school violence, but at a deeper
psychological level, it bonds the idea of mass destruction to Walt 
Disney's 'Snow White.'"  Zleicherugg claims the problem is nationwide.  
"You can go into any sixth grade in the country, start singing 'Mine eyes 
have seen the glory of the burning of the school,' and watch the little 
yardapes twitch. I'm not saying that these kids are primed to explode,"  
he added.  "But if I were a teacher, I wouldn't delay in getting that 
concealed-carry permit."

In a related story, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is
investigating allegations that a rise in animal abuse is directly related 
to the "Great big gobs of greasy, grimy gopher guts"  song.

NFL commissioner Paul Tagliabue blocked Patriots
coach Bill Parcells form switching to the New York Jets
without the permission of the Patriots. "The Jets
can't win," says Jay Leno. "Even their coaches get
intercepted." 

My classmate, Susan, and I are in the middle of our thesis rewrites
for Johns Hopkins University. We only have two weeks left and we are
both quite razzled at the prospect of doing more research in the
remaining time.
Today Susan called me to say that she desperately needed more history
about a small tribe of Native Americans that lives in the Grand Canyon
but there's only one telephone on the reservation and no one ever answers it.
As a matter of fact, the three times she visited the tribe's Visitor
Center while she was on vacation, she said no one ever opened up the
building.
Being a computer geek, I said, "Have you checked the Internet?"
She said, "No, what a great idea! Thanks."
I did a quick check using Excite while she used Yahoo and she was astounded
at the information available about this little-known tribe. She thanked me
profusely for the tip and hung up.
Two hours later, she called me back sounding absolutely miserable.
"Susan," I said, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she said, "You're not going to believe it but they have their own
Web page with all the information I could ever want about the tribe."
"That's great," I said. "What more could you ask for?"
"You don't understand," she said. "My article is about how isolated the
tribe is and how their only path to the outside world is a little dirt
trail up the side of the canyon! On their Web page, they even have a
scanned photo of the helicopter that brought the donated PC into the canyon."
Moral of the story: Sometimes ignorance is bliss -- especially when you're
trying to finish a thesis on time.