"Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and,
instead of bleeding, he sings." 

Ed Gardner. 

"Ski!:
     A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
     hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is 'Avalanche!'
     (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the hill)."
                        -- The Skiers' Dictionary

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.  We
can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

                                                 -Rita Rudner

* Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's
       Degree and the women gets her Master.

"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William
       Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger." -- Dan Rather