An older woman was in the pastoral study counceling for her upcoming
   fourth wedding.
   "Father," she said, "How am I going to tell my husband that I am still
   a virgin?" "My
   child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that
   cannot be," he replied.
   "Well Father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted
   to do was talk. The
   next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it
   tomorrow. The last one was
   a gynecologist and all he did was look at it. But this time, Father,
   I'm marrying a lawyer,
   so I'm sure I'm going to get screwed this time!"
   

"First," said the playboy,
"I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a bit loose."
"Oh no you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner and ply you with a few more drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'll take you to my place and keep serving you drinks."
"Oh no you're not."
"Then I'm going to make violent, passionate love to you."
"Oh no you're not."
"And I'm not going to wear a condom either!" said the guy.
"Oh yes you are!" said the girl.

A guy was driving down the road in his Yugo during a thunder storm, when 
his windshield wiper broke. He drives until he comes to an auto body shop. 
He goes into the shop, walks up to the counter and says, "Excuse me,
but could you give me a windshield wiper for my Yugo?" The clerk leans 
against the counter and thinks for a while. Finally he says, "Sure...that 
sounds like a fair trade." 

Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya 
know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft 
and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing
seems to scare them away. 

Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in 
the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." 

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the 
church... Haven't seen one back since!" 

A strained voice called out through the darkened
theater, "Please, is there a doctor in the house?!" 

Several men stood up as the lights came on. 

An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her,
"Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in
a date with a good, Jewish girl?"