A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.
He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. 
The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was
far too expensive. 
The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was
also too expensive. 
Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened
to have her legs open ready. 
The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. 
So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had
the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the
next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black
condom.
Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. 
When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must wear
a black condom? 
The pimp told him "To show respect for the dead." 

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate 
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to 
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be 
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby 
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of 
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the 
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is 
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we 
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different 
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in 
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"  
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his 
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their 
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job 
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get 
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The 
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. 
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the 
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, 
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we  
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for 
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's 
fainted!!"

"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..." 

Q: How many men does it take to mop the floor?
A: None, it's a women's job

                             The Big Horse Race
     
   
Horses in the race are:

1. Passionate Lady
2. Bare Belly
3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience
5. Jockey Shorts
6. Clean Sheets
7. Thighs
8. Big Johnson
9. Heavy Bosum
10. Merry Cherry

At the Post:

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry.
Heavy Bosum is being pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson
   in a very tight spot.
At the Halfway Mark it's Bare Belly on top.
Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in.
Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly.
Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.
At The Stretch Merry Cherry cracks under the strain.
Big Johnson is making a final drive.
Passionate Lady is coming.
At The Finish It's Big Johnson giving everything he's got and
   Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer.
It looks like a dead heat but Big Johnson squirts through and
   wins by a head.
Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pulls-up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance.