What did the boy with a long tongue and big
lips say to his mom as he was masturbating? 

    "look Ma', no hands" 

This is, like, so dumb...

Instructions on how to Colect a Beaker of Cat's Urine

   1.Treat the beaker like your most prized possession.

   2.Solemnly intone the word "no" every time the cat
     approaches the beaker. 

   3.After completing steps #1 and #2, leave the cat alone
     with the beaker for thirty seconds. 

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his 
neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he
looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared
out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband
wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his
wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer
replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

   A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint
   the toilet seat. The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and
   gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught
   about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
   on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go.
   
   When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show
   their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything
   like this before?"
   
   "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but not framed like that."
   

    A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster
   for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster
   and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
   The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at
   what it did to me!"
   The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this.
   Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a
   hike."
   The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens
   over in the corner. I won't bother you."
   The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking
   over!"
   So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young
   rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you
   around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken
   coop."
   The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, just
   to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
   They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
   and the old rooster takes off running.
   About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him.
   They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only
   about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
   The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on,
   grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits.
   He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought
   this week!"