What do you call a prostitute with her hand down her skirt?

Self-employed

   A man comes home from a tough day of work looking to unwind. After a
   relaxing dinner with his wife, they retire to bed. So, both go to
   their separate beds, however the man was not yet ready to slumber.
   
   The man calls over to his wife, "My little boopey-boo, I'm lonely."
   
   So the woman gets out of bed and crosses the room to the husband. On
   the way she trips on the carpet and falls on her face.
   
   The husband with a concerned look on his face says, "Oh, did my little
   honey-woney fall on her little nosey-wosey?"
   
   The woman gets up and enters the man's bed. The two have passionate
   sex and afterwards the woman rolls out. As she returns to her bed, she
   once again catches her foot on the carpet and falls flat on her face.
   
   The man looks over his shoulder at his wife lying on the floor and
   says, "clumsy bitch".
   

   
   A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening
   the front door.
   "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil
   all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move
   until I tell you to." she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
   "What's this, honey?" the husband asked as he entered the room. "Oh,
   it's just a statue." she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one
   for their bedroom. I liked the idea so much, I got one for us too." No
   more was said about the "statue."
   Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went into the
   kitchen, and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here." he
   said to the 'statue.' "Eat this. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's
   for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."

It was laying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin.  I 
slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. I was 
turning it on.  It became firm in my hands, and the end was 
wet.  Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

Then I took the garden hose and watered the bushes.

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards
right down the middle. 

When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and
the ball went sideways into the woods. He was angry,
but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2
iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at
him. 

It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at
the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is
that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied,
"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"