What goes: Clip Clop Clip Clop BANG Clipidy Clop Clipidy Clop?

An Amish drive-by shooting. 

A young minister, in the first days of his first parish, was obliged to 
call upon the widow of an eccentric man who had just died. Standing before 
the open casket and consoling the widow, he said, "I know this must be a 
very hard blow, Mrs. Vernon. But we must remember that what we see here is 
the husk only, the shell...the nut has gone to heaven."

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are
playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons. 

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he
says, "No no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!"
"Well, what should I do?" asks the man. 
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your
 wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and POW!  He hits the ball
250 yds. straight up the fairway.  The man goes back to his wife
with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson. 

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her
swing and says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asks the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a swing, and
THUMP.  The ball goes straight down the fairway. . . about 15 ft. 

"That was great," the pro says with a straight face. 
"Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing it like you're 
supposed to!"

A psychiatrist met a friend and exclaimed, "I heard you died."
"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the friend. "Impossible," said the 
psychiatrist. "The man who told me is much more reliable than you."

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the
living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some
drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the
mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says,
"What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er...I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."