An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After
a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first 
saleswoman she sees and ask: "Escusa me, have you senn-a 
me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

"No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband."

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask: 
"Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly 
and a-lots of curly black hair?" 

The saleswoman answers: "Yes I saw him, he ran out of here 
lickety split."

To which the Italian woman answers: "No no no, that's not-a 
my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no 
lickety split!"

   Footless Parrot

   A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
   communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
   thinking a pet might help. The store he happened to walk into
   specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he
   notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs
   onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy
   is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot."
   The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot.
   I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish."
   The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for."
   The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots.
   If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
   The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he
   comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's
   won, the Giant's lost, the pope did so and so. One day the guy comes
   home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in
   and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?"
   The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman
   came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed
   her right on the lips."
   The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion."
   The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He
   did??!"
   The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking
   on her breasts."
   The guy says "My God, what happened next???!!!"
   The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time
and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen
lesson & music books.

Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look
at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"

The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica." 

   When the airline Captain announced they were flying over Salt Lake
   City, Utah, a woman
   told the man sitting beside her, "I understand this is the home of the
   Mormon religion
   where husbands believe it's OK to have more than one wife." That's
   true," he replied, "as
   a matter of fact I happen to be a Mormon myself and have nine wives."
   "How
   disgusting,"she said,"you should be ashamed of yourself, such
   practices should be against
   the law and you ought to be hung." With a slight grin, he just said,
   "Yes, mam I am."
   

What's the difference between men and women?

Women must play hard to get; men must get hard to play!