"High heels will make your legs look more elegant.
Now, how can you shave them without my wife finding out?" 

- Dave Henry 

"You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will
give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never
would've thought of that!'"

                                    - Dave Barry

"Are you seriously asking or are you just being a dick?"
                        -- Dave Arthur to Gerrit Riessen

"We exist in a world where the fear of illusion is real
 And we cling to the past to deny and confuse the ideal
 Once inside, we conceive and believe in a god we can't feel"
                        -- The Tea Party, "Temptation"

"God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
 where to go.
         'Why not go to Jupiter?' asked St. Peter.
         'No, too much gravity, too much stomping around,' said God.
         'Well, how about Mercury?'
         'No, it's too hot there.'
         'Okay,' said St. Peter, 'What about Earth?'
         'No,' said God, 'They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
 there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
 still talking about it.'"
                        -- fortune