Q: Why are men like laxatives?
A: They irritate the shit out of you.

What's the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?

Dress her up as an altar boy.

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he
sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A
nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean
spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed, and
asked, "Do all the waiters carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. We had an efficiency expert here that
determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table.
By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented,
"Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string
hanging from your fly?" The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. That
same efficiency expert determined that we spend 21.4% of our time
washing our hands after using the men's room. The other end of that
string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the
string to get my tool out of my pants, go, and then return to work.
Having never touched myself, there is no need to wash my hands.
Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back
in your pants?" "Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use
the spoon." 

A 10pm curfew was imposed in Belfast
Everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot.
However one citizen was shot at 9.45pm.
"Why did you do that?" the soldier was asked by his superior officer.
"I know where he lives," he replied, "and he wouldn't have made it."

Why do they call it PMS?

Mad Cow disease was already taken.