Three guys are applying for a job with the CIA. They get all the way
   to the final test.
   
   So the first guy walks into the director's office and sits down. The
   director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. He lays it on his
   desk in front of the guy. Tells him, "This test is to test your
   loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room
   on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
   The guy looks at him and says, "No way." So the director says, "You
   fail."
   
   The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy
   picks up the gun and heads for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes
   later. Tells the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
   The director says, "You fail."
   
   So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room.
   The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass
   breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up
   and his clothes tore up. The director goes, "What happened to you?"
   Guy replies, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in
   the gun so I had to choke the bitch to death."
   

How do you give a cowboy a hard-on?

Moooo-ooo-ooo 

   A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a
   triple scotch whiskey.
   
   As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a
   heavy drink. What's wrong?"
   
   After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and
   found my wife having sex with my best friend."
   
   "Wow," exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple
   scotch. "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on
   the house."
   
   As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him,
   "What did you do?"
   
   "I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straight in
   the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to
   get the hell out."
   
   "That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
   
   The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye
   and said, 'BAD DOG!'"
   

Lee was known among his friends for the punctuality with which he sent
   his wife her alimony payment each month. When he was asked the reason
   for his haste he shivered and replied: "I'm afraid that if I should
   ever fall behind in the payments to that witch, she might well try to
   repossess me."

   Warning - English Joke!
   
   UK-US Translation Guide:
   "Aussie" = Australian
   "Shag" = To have sex with
   
   An Aussie was marooned on a desert island. His only companions were a
   male dog and a female koala. The dog and koala hit it off, and for a
   year the Aussie could only sit and watch while the dog humped the
   koala senseless.
   
   "Lucky bastard!" thought the Aussie, "I could do with a good shag
   myself. "
   
   One day a beautiful naked blonde was washed up on the beach.
   
   "Hi. I'll do anything you want me to," she said to the Aussie.
   
   "Great!!! At last, after all this time!!! Take the dog for a walk,
   love, while I shag this koala."