The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I
know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect
you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. 
The boss pressed on, " Who told you you could come and go as you
please around here ?" 
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said,
...."My lawyer."

How do you know when your girlfriend is too fat?

When she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo 

    A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the
   bartender "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the
   bartender. "Good," said the customer, "Give me a beer, and I'll have a
   lawyer for my gator."

Three women were sitting at a bar having a few drinks.
After a while the conversation started turning a little
rude and crass. Soon the women were getting louder and
they were arguing about how wide their snatches were.
(This happens all the time.) 
The first woman got up on the bar, lifted her leg,
grabbed a baseball bat and slid it home. 
All the people in the bar were watching, hooting and
hollering, throwing money. 
Five minutes later the second woman got up, lifted her
leg, grabbed a bowling ball and slid it in. 
People were going ballistic. 
Finally the third women very casually got up on the bar
and asked for a quarter. She slid it in..... and the
jukebox starts playing. 

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer? 

     The taste.