I just pulled one on somebody -- I slipped some of those anti-
shoplifting strips into the lining of the victim's favorite
jacket.  I was set to pull another one, but didn't get the chance
- to cut out a silhouette of a gun from metal and hide it in a
piece of carry-on luggage.

Unable to attend the funeral after his father died, a son who lived far 
away called his brother and told him, "Do something nice for Dad and send 
me the bill." Later, he got a bill for $200.00, which he paid. The next 
month, he got another bill for $200.00, which he also paid, figuring it 
was some incidental expense. Bills for $200.00 kept arriving every month, 
and finally the man called his brother again to find out what was going 
on. "Well," said the other brother, "you said to do something nice for 
Dad. So I rented him a tuxedo."

How do you know if your secretary’s having a bad day?

Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil 

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part 
of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's 
normal size, and state the conditions."
Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an 
inappropriate question and my parents are going to
hear of it when I get home!"
She sat down, red-faced.
"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin.
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan.
"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not 
studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you 
going to be disappointed someday!" 

Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off 
on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one 
chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard 
of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the 
greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper," 
replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING 
VIRGINIA PIPELINE"